Only I don't really know where I am stuck. I am in awe of His love for me. The way He obliges me. Like with the strength, motivation and heart to run 5.3 miles today without struggle. Even though I struggled through 4 yesterday. I was planning on only running 4 today. About 3.5 miles into it my knee started to hurt (which has never happened to me on a run before) and He gave me strength to keep going. And after 45 minutes I felt like I could have gone farther, pushed harder, ran faster. That's Him. Obliging me. Sinful, faithless, selfish, rebellious me.
But see... I'm stuck. Because the victory I am actually chasing after is so far out of reach it's not even funny. Because the goal I am going further for, pushing harder for, running faster for is disappearing out of view.
And I sit here baffled. With nothing in sight. No jobs- no money- no place to live- no idea.
Not a clue.
What does God want me to do? Does He want me to go to New York and trust that Starbucks will work out and that all the moving expenses and rent fees and all of that will fall into place? I stand here firm, with out a doubt that He can and will take care of things like that no problem. Or possibly, is this His way of asking me to stay here in Colorado because I might miss something He's prepared here?
Here's the thing: I know that choosing to go with all those uncertainties ahead sounds scary, sounds like a ginormous leap of faith, way out of my comfort zone, etc. Staying here sounds equally daunting because I'd have to work like crazy to save up, find a roommate, a place to live, eventually find a career that as it stands now, I am neither experienced in or fresh of knowledge in, begin to piece together where I am heading in the long haul, etc.
See... they are both out of my comfort zone. They are both scary.
They are both not what I thought God had for me.
So I sit here stuck. Lost. Confused. Sad. Scared. Sick of uncertainty but more eager to be used that I have ever been before. That's all I really want. I long to be used for the advancement of His Kingdom. There is nothing more desirable at this point but where will that take me? To New York? To stay here?
It's weird to think (and this actually brought me to tears when I really did think of this...) that I sat here about a year ago today trying to discern the same thing- to stay here in Colorado or go to Maine. Both leaps of faith. Both places where I felt He could use me. Both scary. And He left me to choose. And if I had chose Maine, I would have missed out on...
Fellowship with my church like I had never experienced before.
Being a part of something so much bigger than myself through serving in the youth ministry at LBCC.
Being a light at Outback and Starbucks.
Getting closer to my best friend, my sister, Larissa.
Meeting Ben.
Having the best summer of my life.
Being stretched in in ways I didn't know I could be stretched.
Falling down and being picked back up so lovingly and gently.
Learning so much more that I knew I had the capacity for.
Experiencing love in deeper, lasting ways.
So, so, so much more came out of this year. Out of this decision.
What paradox am I in?
I really do feel as if I did make the right choice by staying here. It wasn't perfect; it had it's had its ups and downs, there were times I felt abandoned, confused, sad, angry, disheartened. But it was a wonderful year. I am so entirely thankful for it. I grew so much and made some solid, lasting friendships. I experienced Him in new ways and He blessed me with things I definitely didn't deserve or expect Him to. Like Ben. A man that has treated me in ways I never thought I'd ever be blessed enough to be treated. A man who knows he is not enough for me and constantly points me towards Jesus. A man who could just realize he deserves better than what I can give him right now but refuses that thought because he knows I will never be able to satisfy him the way the Lord can. A man that loves me like Christ loves me. Sacrificially.
Bringing it back to my point. I know God is leaving this decision up to me. Actually- just as soon as I wrote that I felt kind of weird writing it. Better rephrased as: I know He trusts me to make the decision. I made the right one a year ago, I can make the right one now. Either way, either route- God will bless me. Either route- I will experience hardship, pain, sorrow, loss. Either route- I can be used for His glory. So I know I can't go wrong by choosing what location I will be in. It's more about making a decision based on the right intentions. That's where the right decision will be made.
Both sound unbelievably uncomfortable, challenging, not what I had in mind, yet both are tempting for different reasons. Both could be argued as the comfortable choice, the least challenging choice, the more desirable choice.
Which is why I sit here stuck.
I know that I need help. Help with discerning. Help with trust. Help with having the right intentions. God. I call out to You. Show me great and unsearchable things that I do not know (Jer. 33:3). Guide my paths Lord. Send the wisdom that will help me discern what You're asking of me. My plans are not good enough God. I want to follow Your paths. The ones that will prosper me and not harm me. The ones that will bring me hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11).
I'll run until my heart caves in. No, You haven't lost me yet.
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