i have this thing.
sometimes it happens right smack dab in the middle, sometimes it happens within a few pages of the end. i get this sinking feeling as i'm reading or about to finish a really good book. it's almost like a sort of disappointment. it's so final. the last word truly is the last word; you flip the page and it's over. you've been in the middle of this story, trying desperately to figure it out, experiencing the emotions the writer wants you to have- needs you to have- in order to get what he wants you to get out of this particular book. you almost learn more about yourself while reading a book. you discover what makes you laugh, what makes you cry; it provokes thought you've never challenged yourself to think; it brings out things in your heart you've always failed to see. and though the end of the book is never disappointing if it is indeed a really good book, you stand at the last few pages fearing to read the last few words because this means now it's time for a new book. and who knows what this new book has in store? will you learn as much from it? experience the same joys while reading it? connect with the author as deep? and i tend to get overwhelmed by these things because i'm the type that fixates on the uncertainty of it all.
i promise, i have a point. keep reading...
i started reading this new book a couple of weeks ago. when it was first given to me, i was entirely uncertain about it. it didn't seem like a book i would like, much less the kind i'd waste my precious and limited time on. i didn't open it for months. somehow though, without opening the front cover, it became appealing. i must have read the back cover or something and my heart changed. when i started it, i started slow. just a couple of pages the first day. then a couple of chapters over the next few days. then several chapters in one day. before i knew it, i came to this realization: this is a really good book. and then came the sinking feeling. eventually... soon... this book will be over and it will be on to the next one. and i have no idea what that looks like for me. is this next one going to be another short and simple read? an epic novel? a self-help? literally, i have no idea what i will pick up next.
it is with great sorrow and disappoint that i admit that i have failed to reach my support goal for my urban ministry internship with here's life inner city.
and i sat at my mom's house as i began to write this, after a tearful drive home from my boyfriend's house, with that same sinking feeling.
i can't help but think back to the beginning of all of this. not the beginning beginning. i'm not talking about when i bought the book, i'm talking about when i opened it. the beginning beginning happened during summer project in 2010 (when i bought the book). this beginning happened when i was on the phone with my internship application evaluator (when i opened the book).
that day rocked my world. a wonderfully pleasant and calm spirited woman called me one afternoon in march to discuss my application i had submitted to campus crusade for Christ for an internship with here's life inner city. i could tell from the tone of her voice from the moment i picked up. she was calling to reject my application.
student loans. blehhhhh.
reason being: i had expressed interest in one day joining staff with cru and in the case of my financial situation with my student loans, there was no way this organization could approve such poor stewardship.they rightfully cannot allow someone to be in debt for the rest of his or her life to serve as a missionary in their organization. i get it. i actually hadn't meant to give this woman the impression that i was definitely planning on joining staff... i just wanted to leave that open as an option because i really didn't have any plans for after the internship year was over. after sharing this, the application evaluator prayed about it and called me back to accept my application. it was kind of sad actually. she was expecting to hear a jubilant cry for joy. instead, she heard crickets. well, now i was unsure. was this God's way of trying to tell me this wasn't His plan? or was it just a minor misunderstanding? a mere bump in the road?
i slept on it.
the next day, after prayerful discernment, i decided to go for it. you don't let small things like that stop you from doing something you've desired to do for over half of a year.
i wonder now, did i make the right choice?
this may come as a surprise to you, especially after my confession of failure, i do believe i prayerfully discerned the right choice.
this season has been the most difficult season i have ever experienced. i have seen disappoint unlike any i thought i'd ever encounter. my heart has been tugged in every direction. twice. i have felt weak and faint and poor in spirit. i have felt abandoned. i have felt stupid and misled. i've been angry with my Christian brothers and sisters for not returning a stinking phone call. i wanted to give up so many times, more times than i wanted to give in all four years of college. i have screamed at God, demanded answers from Him. i've chosen to fall into temptation to spite Him, to make Him feel the same pain He was allowing me to feel. i've been distant or short with some of the most wonderful people in my life. i have cried a lot. it started with about once every couple of weeks. then once a week. twice. three times. everyday. every other day. everyday. i thought i would have run out of tears by now.
but more significant than the pain is what the LORD God Almighty has been doing inside of me and through me during this season. i have grown incredibly. i've seen spiritual warfare firsthand and i've seen how God is the more powerful force. i've seen my part in following God's will and the work He asks you to put in. i know the difference between truth that comes from the Lord and lies that come from the enemy. i have experienced refinement unlike any other. He's taking away pride. hope in idols. comfort in circumstance. comfort in anything really. lack of trust. faint heartedness. lies. etc, etc. like gold, He refines us under the fire. yet we are more precious than gold. this experience has made me feel more precious than gold. and the most important thing i take from this. my utter dependency on God. towards the end of raising support, i literally could not make a phone call without an hour in His word. i have gone through four journals since the beginning of this all. four. before this summer, i think i had gone through four notebooks in four years. i have seen the power of His word in my life and the power of prayer in my heart. quiet time before anything else isn't even a question any more. i plan my days around my intimate and silent time with the Lord, not the other way around. and these are things i had no clue i needed refinement in. i stand here today and know in due time, they will be refined again. and this experience will be used to prepare me for that.
i also have never experienced such love in my life. people really care about me. huh. i have over 110 people on my support team. over 60 of them are financial partners. all of these people care for me enough to see me off to new york city for a full year. and not just that but the outpouring of encouragement. it is safe to say that everyone on my support team has gone above and beyond in encouragement but there are a few that deserve shout outs.
benjamin hershelman. my boyfriend. the man i met just as i began raising support. in fact, one of our first conversations was about how i was moving to new york in the fall. and boldly, he asked me out. well aware of the storm in front of me. well aware that he'd be sending me away in a few short months. but seriously, he was... still is... my biggest advocate for my success. there were so many times, as we were just getting to know each other, that i came to him, ready to give up and he replied but nothing with encouragement. he allowed God to speak so much truth into my life through him. i honestly don't know where my spirit would be if God hadn't decided to bless me with this man. he's everything i never knew i needed.
julie keene. my mom. though she couldn't possibly fathom why i was going to try to raise $52 grand in 4 months, she stood behind me. she was apprehensive, sure. she's supposed to be. but she allowed me to listen to God's command and never stood in the way (well, at least for too long...) and when this endeavor of support raising ended, she was truly proud of me. she has been one of the people, who just by being inspired by my perseverance, why i don't wallow at the end of this whole ordeal with disappointment.
matt and larissa short. a couple who believes in me. a couple who knows it is my desire to serve the Lord and wants just that for me. a couple ready to send over a verse they read that morning. a couple who earnestly prays for me. a brother and a sister who i really REALLY don't deserve but love me to pieces. gah.
my dad. my cousins. my aunt. the crux.the hirt family. debby minelll. francesca bugeja. andrea gooding. the roberts. don drage. summer project friends. the warners. my church family. my 9th grade girls and their parents. my grandparents. random referrals such as katie hoffbeck and peter hakk. the fort. discovery fellowship. bible study ladies. coworkers.
i wish i could name you all by name.
purposely, i am leaving the most important for all.
elizabeth losh. an amazing friend. an amazing heart. a woman who desperately desires to serve specifically new york city. a woman with a very firm and specific call. my friend. my sister. since june of 2010, this woman has been a significant part of my life. i met her during summer project and after it was time to go home, we decided to stay in contact. and though there were some serious miles between us, we grew closer than i ever thought we would. she is my confidant to the most deepest doubts and fears about God and who He is. she knows my strengths and weaknesses. i know hers. she was always ready to pick up the phone and talk, even though i never picked up or followed through on specified times to talk. and she's got this tremendous yearning to get the heck out to new york. each time i spoke with her past the time in which we had thought we'd already be in new york, my heart broke more and more for her.
and then i thought about it. and it occurred to me. God had said no to me. i have seen Him provide for families of five in new york for 10 years. it wasn't that He couldn't provide, it was that He was saying no. and for a long time, it was hard for me to read the last few words, because i knew soon, i'd have to close the book and move on to the next one. and i had that sinking feeling. liz's reality brought me out of a daydream. the longer i held off on accepting God's answer, the longer i held her back from doing what God so desperately wants her to do in new york.
yes, i am disappointed. i am sad. this wound will take a while to heal. i have literally no idea why God has asked me to stay home. i have no place to live. a 20-hour-a-week gig at starbucks. i am starting from scratch without the slightest hint. yet, i am at peace. new york was a great opportunity that God said no to... meaning He's got something better. which is difficult for me to fathom. and i am not just at peace. i am overjoyed. because i was able to raise some support, i am now going to turn my attention on getting liz to new york. i will use what has already been donated if it is possible and i will ask those who pledged monthly to me to continue to give to the ministry through liz. so if you get a phone call from me this week and if you are tagged... you know why...
i could try to think of a witty conclusion. i'm not going to do that. it's not that i fear of spoiling this. it's that i am tired. it's 1:16am.
i leave you with this:
"For I know that plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to bring you hope and future." Jeremiah 29:11
"My presence will go with you. I will see this journey to the end." Exodus 33:14
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
by the way... i finished that book i mentioned earlier. it was wonderful. i'm totally stoked to read the next new book. even though you really never know what you've picked up until you're a good way into it...
goodnight and Godspeed.
sometimes it happens right smack dab in the middle, sometimes it happens within a few pages of the end. i get this sinking feeling as i'm reading or about to finish a really good book. it's almost like a sort of disappointment. it's so final. the last word truly is the last word; you flip the page and it's over. you've been in the middle of this story, trying desperately to figure it out, experiencing the emotions the writer wants you to have- needs you to have- in order to get what he wants you to get out of this particular book. you almost learn more about yourself while reading a book. you discover what makes you laugh, what makes you cry; it provokes thought you've never challenged yourself to think; it brings out things in your heart you've always failed to see. and though the end of the book is never disappointing if it is indeed a really good book, you stand at the last few pages fearing to read the last few words because this means now it's time for a new book. and who knows what this new book has in store? will you learn as much from it? experience the same joys while reading it? connect with the author as deep? and i tend to get overwhelmed by these things because i'm the type that fixates on the uncertainty of it all.
i promise, i have a point. keep reading...
i started reading this new book a couple of weeks ago. when it was first given to me, i was entirely uncertain about it. it didn't seem like a book i would like, much less the kind i'd waste my precious and limited time on. i didn't open it for months. somehow though, without opening the front cover, it became appealing. i must have read the back cover or something and my heart changed. when i started it, i started slow. just a couple of pages the first day. then a couple of chapters over the next few days. then several chapters in one day. before i knew it, i came to this realization: this is a really good book. and then came the sinking feeling. eventually... soon... this book will be over and it will be on to the next one. and i have no idea what that looks like for me. is this next one going to be another short and simple read? an epic novel? a self-help? literally, i have no idea what i will pick up next.
it is with great sorrow and disappoint that i admit that i have failed to reach my support goal for my urban ministry internship with here's life inner city.
and i sat at my mom's house as i began to write this, after a tearful drive home from my boyfriend's house, with that same sinking feeling.
i can't help but think back to the beginning of all of this. not the beginning beginning. i'm not talking about when i bought the book, i'm talking about when i opened it. the beginning beginning happened during summer project in 2010 (when i bought the book). this beginning happened when i was on the phone with my internship application evaluator (when i opened the book).
that day rocked my world. a wonderfully pleasant and calm spirited woman called me one afternoon in march to discuss my application i had submitted to campus crusade for Christ for an internship with here's life inner city. i could tell from the tone of her voice from the moment i picked up. she was calling to reject my application.
student loans. blehhhhh.
reason being: i had expressed interest in one day joining staff with cru and in the case of my financial situation with my student loans, there was no way this organization could approve such poor stewardship.they rightfully cannot allow someone to be in debt for the rest of his or her life to serve as a missionary in their organization. i get it. i actually hadn't meant to give this woman the impression that i was definitely planning on joining staff... i just wanted to leave that open as an option because i really didn't have any plans for after the internship year was over. after sharing this, the application evaluator prayed about it and called me back to accept my application. it was kind of sad actually. she was expecting to hear a jubilant cry for joy. instead, she heard crickets. well, now i was unsure. was this God's way of trying to tell me this wasn't His plan? or was it just a minor misunderstanding? a mere bump in the road?
i slept on it.
the next day, after prayerful discernment, i decided to go for it. you don't let small things like that stop you from doing something you've desired to do for over half of a year.
i wonder now, did i make the right choice?
this may come as a surprise to you, especially after my confession of failure, i do believe i prayerfully discerned the right choice.
this season has been the most difficult season i have ever experienced. i have seen disappoint unlike any i thought i'd ever encounter. my heart has been tugged in every direction. twice. i have felt weak and faint and poor in spirit. i have felt abandoned. i have felt stupid and misled. i've been angry with my Christian brothers and sisters for not returning a stinking phone call. i wanted to give up so many times, more times than i wanted to give in all four years of college. i have screamed at God, demanded answers from Him. i've chosen to fall into temptation to spite Him, to make Him feel the same pain He was allowing me to feel. i've been distant or short with some of the most wonderful people in my life. i have cried a lot. it started with about once every couple of weeks. then once a week. twice. three times. everyday. every other day. everyday. i thought i would have run out of tears by now.
but more significant than the pain is what the LORD God Almighty has been doing inside of me and through me during this season. i have grown incredibly. i've seen spiritual warfare firsthand and i've seen how God is the more powerful force. i've seen my part in following God's will and the work He asks you to put in. i know the difference between truth that comes from the Lord and lies that come from the enemy. i have experienced refinement unlike any other. He's taking away pride. hope in idols. comfort in circumstance. comfort in anything really. lack of trust. faint heartedness. lies. etc, etc. like gold, He refines us under the fire. yet we are more precious than gold. this experience has made me feel more precious than gold. and the most important thing i take from this. my utter dependency on God. towards the end of raising support, i literally could not make a phone call without an hour in His word. i have gone through four journals since the beginning of this all. four. before this summer, i think i had gone through four notebooks in four years. i have seen the power of His word in my life and the power of prayer in my heart. quiet time before anything else isn't even a question any more. i plan my days around my intimate and silent time with the Lord, not the other way around. and these are things i had no clue i needed refinement in. i stand here today and know in due time, they will be refined again. and this experience will be used to prepare me for that.
i also have never experienced such love in my life. people really care about me. huh. i have over 110 people on my support team. over 60 of them are financial partners. all of these people care for me enough to see me off to new york city for a full year. and not just that but the outpouring of encouragement. it is safe to say that everyone on my support team has gone above and beyond in encouragement but there are a few that deserve shout outs.
benjamin hershelman. my boyfriend. the man i met just as i began raising support. in fact, one of our first conversations was about how i was moving to new york in the fall. and boldly, he asked me out. well aware of the storm in front of me. well aware that he'd be sending me away in a few short months. but seriously, he was... still is... my biggest advocate for my success. there were so many times, as we were just getting to know each other, that i came to him, ready to give up and he replied but nothing with encouragement. he allowed God to speak so much truth into my life through him. i honestly don't know where my spirit would be if God hadn't decided to bless me with this man. he's everything i never knew i needed.
julie keene. my mom. though she couldn't possibly fathom why i was going to try to raise $52 grand in 4 months, she stood behind me. she was apprehensive, sure. she's supposed to be. but she allowed me to listen to God's command and never stood in the way (well, at least for too long...) and when this endeavor of support raising ended, she was truly proud of me. she has been one of the people, who just by being inspired by my perseverance, why i don't wallow at the end of this whole ordeal with disappointment.
matt and larissa short. a couple who believes in me. a couple who knows it is my desire to serve the Lord and wants just that for me. a couple ready to send over a verse they read that morning. a couple who earnestly prays for me. a brother and a sister who i really REALLY don't deserve but love me to pieces. gah.
my dad. my cousins. my aunt. the crux.the hirt family. debby minelll. francesca bugeja. andrea gooding. the roberts. don drage. summer project friends. the warners. my church family. my 9th grade girls and their parents. my grandparents. random referrals such as katie hoffbeck and peter hakk. the fort. discovery fellowship. bible study ladies. coworkers.
i wish i could name you all by name.
purposely, i am leaving the most important for all.
elizabeth losh. an amazing friend. an amazing heart. a woman who desperately desires to serve specifically new york city. a woman with a very firm and specific call. my friend. my sister. since june of 2010, this woman has been a significant part of my life. i met her during summer project and after it was time to go home, we decided to stay in contact. and though there were some serious miles between us, we grew closer than i ever thought we would. she is my confidant to the most deepest doubts and fears about God and who He is. she knows my strengths and weaknesses. i know hers. she was always ready to pick up the phone and talk, even though i never picked up or followed through on specified times to talk. and she's got this tremendous yearning to get the heck out to new york. each time i spoke with her past the time in which we had thought we'd already be in new york, my heart broke more and more for her.
and then i thought about it. and it occurred to me. God had said no to me. i have seen Him provide for families of five in new york for 10 years. it wasn't that He couldn't provide, it was that He was saying no. and for a long time, it was hard for me to read the last few words, because i knew soon, i'd have to close the book and move on to the next one. and i had that sinking feeling. liz's reality brought me out of a daydream. the longer i held off on accepting God's answer, the longer i held her back from doing what God so desperately wants her to do in new york.
yes, i am disappointed. i am sad. this wound will take a while to heal. i have literally no idea why God has asked me to stay home. i have no place to live. a 20-hour-a-week gig at starbucks. i am starting from scratch without the slightest hint. yet, i am at peace. new york was a great opportunity that God said no to... meaning He's got something better. which is difficult for me to fathom. and i am not just at peace. i am overjoyed. because i was able to raise some support, i am now going to turn my attention on getting liz to new york. i will use what has already been donated if it is possible and i will ask those who pledged monthly to me to continue to give to the ministry through liz. so if you get a phone call from me this week and if you are tagged... you know why...
i could try to think of a witty conclusion. i'm not going to do that. it's not that i fear of spoiling this. it's that i am tired. it's 1:16am.
i leave you with this:
"For I know that plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to bring you hope and future." Jeremiah 29:11
"My presence will go with you. I will see this journey to the end." Exodus 33:14
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
by the way... i finished that book i mentioned earlier. it was wonderful. i'm totally stoked to read the next new book. even though you really never know what you've picked up until you're a good way into it...
goodnight and Godspeed.
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