Right where He wants me.
It didn't occur to me in June of 2010 that my prayer for a broken heart for the city of New York would be answered with a 'Yes.' How naive of me. How reckless of me. Ha. But the Lord did break my heart. I fell hard for this city. And He used that broken heart to call me to serve the city once again. He's asked me to leave all that is comfortable behind, forsake my own plans and follow by blind faith.
So I've answered yes, but not without a broken heart.
Lamentations 3
I sit here at my kitchen table in Longmont, Colorado unable to express exactly what I feel I must. Maybe it's writer's block, maybe it's the pain of uncertainty making me weary. I do know that if in the year I have been apart from the Lord's ministry in New York, if I had lost even a bit of the brokenheartedness for the city in tremendous agony, I have regained it, maybe even more than ever before.
So I've answered yes, but not without a broken heart.
Lamentations 3
I sit here at my kitchen table in Longmont, Colorado unable to express exactly what I feel I must. Maybe it's writer's block, maybe it's the pain of uncertainty making me weary. I do know that if in the year I have been apart from the Lord's ministry in New York, if I had lost even a bit of the brokenheartedness for the city in tremendous agony, I have regained it, maybe even more than ever before.
I sit here an try to imagine separateness from God. I'm stumbling for words because, really, I don't know what that looks like anymore. I'm not trying to proclaim righteousness or that I do not sin, therefore do not separate myself from God. The difference I am struggling to illustrate is this: yes, I feel pain and yes, I struggle with sin. And there are times when I feel abandoned, overlooked, forgotten. I have been at the end of my rope (or at least felt like it was the end). I have been in agony over circumstances and I have felt sadness beyond what I can describe. I've experienced my own personal heartbreak. And I've felt far from God. But as it stands now, at this point of my relationship with the Lord, I always know, even in the pit of my mess, He is there, weeping with me. It's difficult to express that statement without seeming cliche or warm and fuzzy. Because, on the contrary, it's not. It is real life. I feel as though because of where the Lord has taken our relationship to, because of the growth I have experienced, I am firm in knowing that no matter what kind of suffering I am enduring, I do not have to endure alone. I can choose to. But I rest knowing that I don't have to. God waits at my side, ready to come at my call. Yes, it is up to me to call Him, but what reason is there not, knowing what I know about Him? Knowing that He's waiting.
I read Lamentations 3 and stumble.
Not necessarily because of God's unmerciful response to the fall of Israel. Not necessarily because of the way God poured out His wrath on a sinful nation whom He tried so desperately to bring closer to Him after repeated offenses. I understand, the writer of Lamentations understood. Israel reaped exactly what she sowed.
I stumble because I know that I will be a minister in a place that reflects the absolute hopelessness Israel was experiencing after her fall form grace. I will be serving in a crowd not only afflicted by the unfairness of this world but among a people that are literally separated from the Father. They do not know the hope of salvation, therefore the writhe in pain, in suffering. They are embittered towards, well, everything. Everyone. They will be embittered towards me, because, oh look- here comes another one to tell us, "Jesus loves you." They may have heard about Jesus or salvation or God's love or whatever. But they are completely unaware of it. They know nothing of it. Some of them pray. They plead. But God has clouded Himself from their prayers because of their blatant disregard for Christ's sacrifice displayed on the cross. The are pierced with arrows and God allows them to wallow in their wandering. He is quiet as they cry out to Him. He mocks their disaster.
This is real life. Harsh. Cold. Unmerciful.
A people in affliction that are without the hope of salvation are experiencing this. Utter separation from the Lord God Almighty. Hard to imagine, isn't it? They wander in a world completely void of hope and there is nothing I can do to save them from it. I am insufficient, weak, without wisdom, short on knowledge. I am not good enough. Good enough to just parade in a city that I know little of and say, "Jesus loves you!" What in my right mind would cause me to think a people who are experiencing affliction beyond my comprehension and do not know hope would respond to that with joy? Of course they won't believe it. Of course they will mock and turn away in disgust. I literally have no idea what I am getting myself into.
Hold it. Wait. I know what you're thinking. This is not the God we know. I'm sure the only reason you're still reading at this point is because:
A.) As you sit here gnawing on your nails, you are praying fervently that I eventually come full circle
B.) You've never read a crazy person's blog, it was about time
I may be crazy, but here's where I bring it full circle... you can stop sweating bullets now.
This is what I know: "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." Lamentations 3: 21-22
The Lord waits at their side.
I am about to travel into a city void of hope experiencing grief, loss, suffering, pain, despair beyond what I can truly grasp. And yes, I cannot save them. I am powerless to this cause... alone. Because I know the hope that comes from Christ's sacrifice for us all on the cross, because I know freedom from the bonds of this world, because I know unity with God through the salvation from Christ, I am able to shed light. Not alone, by Christ. Through the power of Christ, I am able to share the hope I know of, the hope I am firm in, even right smack dab in the middle of the mess the city has created for itself.
I am firm in this: "Though He brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." Lamentations 3: 32-33
Though I will be ministering among a people separate from God, He waits by their side. He's ready at moments notice to swoop in and pour His heart out to them. Our God is not a god who forces Himself on the unwilling. He waits patiently, although at the edge of His seat. He's waiting for an opportunity. And that's where I come in. Through Him, I have an opportunity to give Him an opportunity. He trusts that I will use the strength He gives me, the knowledge from His Spirit inside of me, the hope from the salvation He's given to me through Christ to break down walls on those embittered hearts so that God is given an opportunity to pour out His love.
And I trust, because of the tremendous growth I've experienced since coming to know God, my God, personally, that He will provide all things I will need to take on this task. When God calls, He doesn't leave you high and dry. He calls with a willingness to supply all you will need to do what He's asked of you.
In this, I am firm.
Though I am thousands of miles away, thousands of dollars of support away, with no real plans of how to even get out to New York or where I will live, I sit here with a broken heart. Broken but not without hope. Broken to the point of desperation but steadfast in the Lord's love. Broken with the risk of it never mending but determined to see His kingdom come.
Exactly where He wants me.
I read Lamentations 3 and stumble.
Not necessarily because of God's unmerciful response to the fall of Israel. Not necessarily because of the way God poured out His wrath on a sinful nation whom He tried so desperately to bring closer to Him after repeated offenses. I understand, the writer of Lamentations understood. Israel reaped exactly what she sowed.
I stumble because I know that I will be a minister in a place that reflects the absolute hopelessness Israel was experiencing after her fall form grace. I will be serving in a crowd not only afflicted by the unfairness of this world but among a people that are literally separated from the Father. They do not know the hope of salvation, therefore the writhe in pain, in suffering. They are embittered towards, well, everything. Everyone. They will be embittered towards me, because, oh look- here comes another one to tell us, "Jesus loves you." They may have heard about Jesus or salvation or God's love or whatever. But they are completely unaware of it. They know nothing of it. Some of them pray. They plead. But God has clouded Himself from their prayers because of their blatant disregard for Christ's sacrifice displayed on the cross. The are pierced with arrows and God allows them to wallow in their wandering. He is quiet as they cry out to Him. He mocks their disaster.
This is real life. Harsh. Cold. Unmerciful.
A people in affliction that are without the hope of salvation are experiencing this. Utter separation from the Lord God Almighty. Hard to imagine, isn't it? They wander in a world completely void of hope and there is nothing I can do to save them from it. I am insufficient, weak, without wisdom, short on knowledge. I am not good enough. Good enough to just parade in a city that I know little of and say, "Jesus loves you!" What in my right mind would cause me to think a people who are experiencing affliction beyond my comprehension and do not know hope would respond to that with joy? Of course they won't believe it. Of course they will mock and turn away in disgust. I literally have no idea what I am getting myself into.
Hold it. Wait. I know what you're thinking. This is not the God we know. I'm sure the only reason you're still reading at this point is because:
A.) As you sit here gnawing on your nails, you are praying fervently that I eventually come full circle
B.) You've never read a crazy person's blog, it was about time
I may be crazy, but here's where I bring it full circle... you can stop sweating bullets now.
This is what I know: "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." Lamentations 3: 21-22
The Lord waits at their side.
I am about to travel into a city void of hope experiencing grief, loss, suffering, pain, despair beyond what I can truly grasp. And yes, I cannot save them. I am powerless to this cause... alone. Because I know the hope that comes from Christ's sacrifice for us all on the cross, because I know freedom from the bonds of this world, because I know unity with God through the salvation from Christ, I am able to shed light. Not alone, by Christ. Through the power of Christ, I am able to share the hope I know of, the hope I am firm in, even right smack dab in the middle of the mess the city has created for itself.
I am firm in this: "Though He brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." Lamentations 3: 32-33
For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though I will be ministering among a people separate from God, He waits by their side. He's ready at moments notice to swoop in and pour His heart out to them. Our God is not a god who forces Himself on the unwilling. He waits patiently, although at the edge of His seat. He's waiting for an opportunity. And that's where I come in. Through Him, I have an opportunity to give Him an opportunity. He trusts that I will use the strength He gives me, the knowledge from His Spirit inside of me, the hope from the salvation He's given to me through Christ to break down walls on those embittered hearts so that God is given an opportunity to pour out His love.
And I trust, because of the tremendous growth I've experienced since coming to know God, my God, personally, that He will provide all things I will need to take on this task. When God calls, He doesn't leave you high and dry. He calls with a willingness to supply all you will need to do what He's asked of you.
In this, I am firm.
Though I am thousands of miles away, thousands of dollars of support away, with no real plans of how to even get out to New York or where I will live, I sit here with a broken heart. Broken but not without hope. Broken to the point of desperation but steadfast in the Lord's love. Broken with the risk of it never mending but determined to see His kingdom come.
Exactly where He wants me.
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