closing the book

i have this thing.

sometimes it happens right smack dab in the middle, sometimes it happens within a few pages of the end. i get this sinking feeling as i'm reading or about to finish a really good book. it's almost like a sort of disappointment. it's so final. the last word truly is the last word; you flip the page and it's over. you've been in the middle of this story, trying desperately to figure it out, experiencing the emotions the writer wants you to have- needs you to have- in order to get what he wants you to get out of this particular book. you almost learn more about yourself while reading a book. you discover what makes you laugh, what makes you cry; it provokes thought you've never challenged yourself to think; it brings out things in your heart you've always failed to see. and though the end of the book is never disappointing if it is indeed a really good book, you stand at the last few pages fearing to read the last few words because this means now it's time for a new book. and who knows what this new book has in store? will you learn as much from it? experience the same joys while reading it? connect with the author as deep? and i tend to get overwhelmed by these things because i'm the type that fixates on the uncertainty of it all.

i promise, i have a point. keep reading...

i started reading this new book a couple of weeks ago. when it was first given to me, i was entirely uncertain about it. it didn't seem like a book i would like, much less the kind i'd waste my precious and limited time on. i didn't open it for months. somehow though, without opening the front cover, it became appealing. i must have read the back cover or something and my heart changed. when i started it, i started slow. just a couple of pages the first day. then a couple of chapters over the next few days. then several chapters in one day. before i knew it, i came to this realization: this is a really good book. and then came the sinking feeling. eventually... soon... this book will be over and it will be on to the next one. and i have no idea what that looks like for me. is this next one going to be another short and simple read? an epic novel? a self-help? literally, i have no idea what i will pick up next.

it is with great sorrow and disappoint that i admit that i have failed to reach my support goal for my urban ministry internship with here's life inner city.
and i sat at my mom's house as i began to write this, after a tearful drive home from my boyfriend's house, with that same sinking feeling.

i can't help but think back to the beginning of all of this. not the beginning beginning. i'm not talking about when i bought the book, i'm talking about when i opened it. the beginning beginning happened during summer project in 2010 (when i bought the book). this beginning happened when i was on the phone with my internship application evaluator (when i opened the book).

that day rocked my world. a wonderfully pleasant and calm spirited woman called me one afternoon in march to discuss my application i had submitted to campus crusade for Christ for an internship with here's life inner city. i could tell from the tone of her voice from the moment i picked up. she was calling to reject my application.
student loans. blehhhhh.
reason being: i had expressed interest in one day joining staff with cru and in the case of my financial situation with my student loans, there was no way this organization could approve such poor stewardship.they rightfully cannot allow someone to be in debt for the rest of his or her life to serve as a missionary in their organization. i get it. i actually hadn't meant to give this woman the impression that i was definitely planning on joining staff... i just wanted to leave that open as an option because i really didn't have any plans for after the internship year was over. after sharing this, the application evaluator prayed about it and called me back to accept my application. it was kind of sad actually. she was expecting to hear a jubilant cry for joy. instead, she heard crickets. well, now i was unsure. was this God's way of trying to tell me this wasn't His plan? or was it just a minor misunderstanding? a mere bump in the road?
i slept on it.
the next day, after prayerful discernment, i decided to go for it. you don't let small things like that stop you from doing something you've desired to do for over half of a year.
i wonder now, did i make the right choice?
this may come as a surprise to you, especially after my confession of failure, i do believe i prayerfully discerned the right choice.

this season has been the most difficult season i have ever experienced. i have seen disappoint unlike any i thought i'd ever encounter. my heart has been tugged in every direction. twice. i have felt weak and faint and poor in spirit. i have felt abandoned. i have felt stupid and misled. i've been angry with my Christian brothers and sisters for not returning a stinking phone call. i wanted to give up so many times, more times than i wanted to give in all four years of college.  i have screamed at God, demanded answers from Him. i've chosen to fall into temptation to spite Him, to make Him feel the same pain He was allowing me to feel. i've been distant or short with some of the most wonderful people in my life. i have cried a lot. it started with about once every couple of weeks. then once a week. twice. three times. everyday. every other day. everyday. i thought i would have run out of tears by now.

but more significant than the pain is what the LORD God Almighty has been doing inside of me and through me during this season. i have grown incredibly. i've seen spiritual warfare firsthand and i've seen how God is the more powerful force. i've seen my part in following God's will and the work He asks you to put in. i know the difference between truth that comes from the Lord and lies that come from the enemy. i have experienced refinement unlike any other. He's taking away pride. hope in idols. comfort in circumstance. comfort in anything really. lack of trust. faint heartedness. lies. etc, etc. like gold, He refines us under the fire. yet we are more precious than gold. this experience has made me feel more precious than gold. and the most important thing i take from this. my utter dependency on God. towards the end of raising support, i literally could not make a phone call without an hour in His word. i have gone through four journals since the beginning of this all. four. before this summer, i think i had gone through four notebooks in four years. i have seen the power of His word in my life and the power of prayer in my heart. quiet time before anything else isn't even a question any more. i plan my days around my intimate and silent time with the Lord, not the other way around. and these are things i had no clue i needed refinement in. i stand here today and know in due time, they will be refined again. and this experience will be used to prepare me for that.
i also have never experienced such love in my life. people really care about me. huh. i have over 110 people on my support team. over 60 of them are financial partners. all of these people care for me enough to see me off to new york city for a full year. and not just that but the outpouring of encouragement. it is safe to say that everyone on my support team has gone above and beyond in encouragement but there are a few that deserve shout outs.

benjamin hershelman. my boyfriend. the man i met just as i began raising support. in fact, one of our first conversations was about how i was moving to new york in the fall. and boldly, he asked me out. well aware of the storm in front of me. well aware that he'd be sending me away in a few short months. but seriously, he was... still is... my biggest advocate for my success. there were so many times, as we were just getting to know each other, that i came to him, ready to give up and he replied but nothing with encouragement. he allowed God to speak so much truth into my life through him. i honestly don't know where my spirit would be if God hadn't decided to bless me with this man. he's everything i never knew i needed.

julie keene. my mom. though she couldn't possibly fathom why i was going to try to raise $52 grand in 4 months, she stood behind me. she was apprehensive, sure. she's supposed to be. but she allowed me to listen to God's command and never stood in the way (well, at least for too long...) and when this endeavor of support raising ended, she was truly proud of me. she has been one of the people, who just by being inspired by my perseverance, why i don't wallow at the end of this whole ordeal with disappointment.

matt and larissa short. a couple who believes in me. a couple who knows it is my desire to serve the Lord and wants just that for me. a couple ready to send over a verse they read that morning. a couple who earnestly prays for me. a brother and a sister who i really REALLY don't deserve but love me to pieces. gah.

my dad. my cousins. my aunt. the crux.the hirt family. debby minelll. francesca bugeja. andrea gooding. the roberts. don drage. summer project friends. the warners. my church family. my 9th grade girls and their parents. my grandparents. random referrals such as katie hoffbeck and peter hakk. the fort. discovery fellowship. bible study ladies. coworkers.
i wish i could name you all by name.

purposely, i am leaving the most important for all.

elizabeth losh. an amazing friend. an amazing heart. a woman who desperately desires to serve specifically new york city. a woman with a very firm and specific call. my friend. my sister. since june of 2010, this woman has been a significant part of my life. i met her during summer project and after it was time to go home, we decided to stay in contact. and though there were some serious miles between us, we grew closer than i ever thought we would. she is my confidant to the most deepest doubts and fears about God and who He is. she knows my strengths and weaknesses. i know hers. she was always ready to pick up the phone and talk, even though i never picked up or followed through on specified times to talk. and she's got this tremendous yearning to get the heck out to new york. each time i spoke with her past the time in which we had thought we'd already be in new york, my heart broke more and more for her.


and then i thought about it. and it occurred to me. God had said no to me. i have seen Him provide for families of five in new york for 10 years. it wasn't that He couldn't provide, it was that He was saying no. and for a long time, it was hard for me to read the last few words, because i knew soon, i'd have to close the book and move on to the next one. and i had that sinking feeling. liz's reality brought me out of a daydream. the longer i held off on accepting God's answer, the longer i held her back from doing what God so desperately wants her to do in new york.

yes, i am disappointed. i am sad. this wound will take a while to heal. i have literally no idea why God has asked me to stay home. i have no place to live. a 20-hour-a-week gig at starbucks. i am starting from scratch without the slightest hint. yet, i am at peace. new york was a great opportunity that God said no to... meaning He's got something better. which is difficult for me to fathom. and i am not just at peace. i am overjoyed. because i was able to raise some support, i am now going to turn my attention on getting liz to new york. i will use what has already been donated if it is possible and i will ask those who pledged monthly to me to continue to give to the ministry through liz. so if you get a phone call from me this week and if you are tagged... you know why...

i could try to think of a witty conclusion. i'm not going to do that. it's not that i fear of spoiling this. it's that i am tired. it's 1:16am.

i leave you with this:
"For I know that plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to bring you hope and future." Jeremiah 29:11
"My presence will go with you. I will see this journey to the end." Exodus 33:14
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

by the way... i finished that book i mentioned earlier. it was wonderful. i'm totally stoked to read the next new book. even though you really never know what you've picked up until you're a good way into it...

goodnight and Godspeed.

prayer

I've been taking a lot of risks in prayer lately. I've been blessed with some yes answers, I've been disappointed with a lot of no's. And as if i haven't been risky enough, I just sent two emails that I am extremely excited about and therefore may be terribly let down if the outcome isn't what i pray for. But i stand here today knowing that God's got some plan that I can either keep trying to figure out or I can just slip into without doubt or fear. I think the second option is the best route. The most difficult but the most logical.

Prayer partners, here's where you come in.... turn your prayer caps on and consider this with the Lord for me, will you?

Serving in Denver, with a ministry outside of Here's Life Inner City but within Cru.
Potential living situation in Arvada I sent inquiry out about.

I won't go further into detail because I really don't want to get too far ahead of myself.
Who knows, God may have used my initial interest in HLIC Denver to call me to New York. Because while my initial interest was in Denver, I miss New York terribly, am in love with the ministry He's working so fervently in and want so much to be a part of that. He can get me to my goal and He can make everything with Starbucks, moving expenses, rent, etc, etc, etc work out perfectly if it is in His will.

Or... He may have used the daunting task of fighting to complete my support goals for HLIC-NY to get me to meet the goal here in Denver; the place that originally drew me to this internship.... the place I love and also see God working so beautifully in. I would be blessed to be a part of what He is doing in Denver.



Basically: I HAVE NO IDEA. None. Zip, zulch, nada.
So prayer in this time of discernment would so help me out!
I am so indebted to all of you. You don't know what your prayers mean to me!

if it doesn't break your heart it isn't love

It is a beautiful fall day and I sit here on my couch... stuck.
Only I don't really know where I am stuck. I am in awe of His love for me. The way He obliges me. Like with the strength, motivation and heart to run 5.3 miles today without struggle. Even though I struggled through 4 yesterday. I was planning on only running 4 today. About 3.5 miles into it my knee started to hurt (which has never happened to me on a run before) and He gave me strength to keep going. And after 45 minutes I felt like I could have gone farther, pushed harder, ran faster. That's Him. Obliging me. Sinful, faithless, selfish, rebellious me.
But see... I'm stuck. Because the victory I am actually chasing after is so far out of reach it's not even funny. Because the goal I am going further for, pushing harder for, running faster for is disappearing out of view.
And I sit here baffled. With nothing in sight. No jobs- no money- no place to live- no idea.
Not a clue.
What does God want me to do? Does He want me to go to New York and trust that Starbucks will work out and that all the moving expenses and rent fees and all of that will fall into place? I stand here firm, with out a doubt that He can and will take care of things like that no problem. Or possibly, is this His way of asking me to stay here in Colorado because I might miss something He's prepared here?
Here's the thing: I know that choosing to go with all those uncertainties ahead sounds scary, sounds like a ginormous leap of faith, way out of my comfort zone, etc. Staying here sounds equally daunting because I'd have to work like crazy to save up, find a roommate, a place to live, eventually find a career that as it stands now, I am neither experienced in or fresh of knowledge in, begin to piece together where I am heading in the long haul, etc.
See... they are both out of my comfort zone. They are both scary.

They are both not what I thought God had for me. 

So I sit here stuck. Lost. Confused. Sad. Scared. Sick of uncertainty but more eager to be used that I have ever been before. That's all I really want. I long to be used for the advancement of His Kingdom. There is nothing more desirable at this point but where will that take me? To New York? To stay here?

It's weird to think (and this actually brought me to tears when I really did think of this...) that I sat here about a year ago today trying to discern the same thing- to stay here in Colorado or go to Maine. Both leaps of faith. Both places where I felt He could use me. Both scary. And He left me to choose. And if I had chose Maine, I would have missed out on...
Fellowship with my church like I had never experienced before.
Being a part of something so much bigger than myself through serving in the youth ministry at LBCC.
Being a light at Outback and Starbucks.
Getting closer to my best friend, my sister, Larissa.
Meeting Ben.
Having the best summer of my life.
Being stretched in in ways I didn't know I could be stretched.
Falling down and being picked back up so lovingly and gently.
Learning so much more that I knew I had the capacity for.
Experiencing love in deeper, lasting ways.
So, so, so much more came out of this year. Out of this decision.

What paradox am I in?

I really do feel as if I did make the right choice by staying here. It wasn't perfect; it had it's had its ups and downs, there were times I felt abandoned, confused, sad, angry, disheartened. But it was a wonderful year. I am so entirely thankful for it. I grew so much and made some solid, lasting friendships. I experienced Him in new ways and He blessed me with things I definitely didn't deserve or expect Him to. Like Ben. A man that has treated me in ways I never thought I'd ever be blessed enough to be treated. A man who knows he is not enough for me and constantly points me towards Jesus. A man who could just realize he deserves better than what I can give him right now but refuses that thought because he knows I will never be able to satisfy him the way the Lord can. A man that loves me like Christ loves me. Sacrificially.

Bringing it back to my point. I know God is leaving this decision up to me. Actually- just as soon as I wrote that I felt kind of weird writing it. Better rephrased as: I know He trusts me to make the decision. I made the right one a year ago, I can make the right one now. Either way, either route- God will bless me. Either route- I will experience hardship, pain, sorrow, loss. Either route- I can be used for His glory. So I know I can't go wrong by choosing what location I will be in. It's more about making a decision based on the right intentions. That's where the right decision will be made.
Both sound unbelievably uncomfortable, challenging, not what I had in mind, yet both are tempting for different reasons. Both could be argued as the comfortable choice, the least challenging choice, the more desirable choice.

Which is why I sit here stuck. Scratch that. I sit here so unbelievably humbled.

I know that I need help. Help with discerning. Help with trust. Help with having the right intentions. God. I call out to You. Show me great and unsearchable things that I do not know (Jer. 33:3). Guide my paths Lord. Send the wisdom that will help me discern what You're asking of me. My plans are not good enough God. I want to follow Your paths. The ones that will prosper me and not harm me. The ones that will bring me hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11).

I'll run until my heart caves in. No, You haven't lost me yet.

Brokenhearted.

Right where He wants me.

 It didn't occur to me in June of 2010 that my prayer for a broken heart for the city of New York would be answered with a 'Yes.' How naive of me. How reckless of me. Ha. But the Lord did break my heart. I fell hard for this city.  And He used that broken heart to call me to serve the city once again. He's asked me to leave all that is comfortable behind, forsake my own plans and follow by blind faith. 

So I've answered yes, but not without a broken heart. 

Lamentations 3

I sit here at my kitchen table in Longmont, Colorado unable to express exactly what I feel I must. Maybe it's writer's block, maybe it's the pain of uncertainty making me weary. I do know that if in the year I have been apart from the Lord's ministry in New York, if I had lost even a bit of the brokenheartedness for the city in tremendous agony, I have regained it, maybe even more than ever before. 

I sit here an try to imagine separateness from God. I'm stumbling for words because, really, I don't know what that looks like anymore. I'm not trying to proclaim righteousness or that I do not sin, therefore do not separate myself from God. The difference I am struggling to illustrate is this: yes, I feel pain and yes, I struggle with sin. And there are times when I feel abandoned, overlooked, forgotten. I have been at the end of my rope (or at least felt like it was the end). I have been in agony over circumstances and I have felt sadness beyond what I can describe. I've experienced my own personal heartbreak. And I've felt far from God. But as it stands now, at this point of my relationship with the Lord, I always know, even in the pit of my mess, He is there, weeping with me. It's difficult to express that statement without seeming cliche or warm and fuzzy. Because, on the contrary, it's not. It is real life. I feel as though because of where the Lord has taken our relationship to, because of the growth I have experienced, I am firm in knowing that no matter what kind of suffering I am enduring, I do not have to endure alone. I can choose to. But I rest knowing that I don't have to. God waits at my side, ready to come at my call. Yes, it is up to me to call Him, but what reason is there not, knowing what I know about Him? Knowing that He's waiting.

I read Lamentations 3 and stumble. 


Not necessarily because of God's unmerciful response to the fall of Israel. Not necessarily because of the way God poured out His wrath on a sinful nation whom He tried so desperately to bring closer to Him after repeated offenses. I understand, the writer of Lamentations understood. Israel reaped exactly what she sowed. 
I stumble because I know that I will be a minister in a place that reflects the absolute hopelessness Israel was experiencing after her fall form grace. I will be serving in a crowd not only afflicted by the unfairness of this world but among a people that are literally separated from the Father. They do not know the hope of salvation, therefore the writhe in pain, in suffering. They are embittered towards, well, everything. Everyone. They will be embittered towards me, because, oh look- here comes another one to tell us, "Jesus loves you." They may have heard about Jesus or salvation or God's love or whatever. But they are completely unaware of it. They know nothing of it. Some of them pray. They plead. But God has clouded Himself from their prayers because of their blatant disregard for Christ's sacrifice displayed on the cross. The are pierced with arrows and God allows them to wallow in their wandering. He is quiet as they cry out to Him. He mocks their disaster.


This is real life. Harsh. Cold. Unmerciful.


A people in affliction that are without the hope of salvation are experiencing this. Utter separation from the Lord God Almighty. Hard to imagine, isn't it? They wander in a world completely void of hope and there is nothing I can do to save them from it. I am insufficient, weak, without wisdom, short on knowledge. I am not good enough. Good enough to just parade in a city that I know little of and say, "Jesus loves you!" What in my right mind would cause me to think a people who are experiencing affliction beyond my comprehension and do not know hope would respond to that with joy? Of course they won't believe it. Of course they will mock and turn away in disgust. I literally have no idea what I am getting myself into. 


Hold it. Wait. I know what you're thinking. This is not the God we know. I'm sure the only reason you're still reading at this point is because: 
A.) As you sit here gnawing on your nails, you are praying fervently that I eventually come full circle

B.) You've never read a crazy person's blog, it was about time


I may be crazy, but here's where I bring it full circle... you can stop sweating bullets now. 
This is what I know: "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." Lamentations 3: 21-22


The Lord waits at their side.

I am about to travel into a city void of hope experiencing grief, loss, suffering, pain, despair beyond what I can truly grasp. And yes, I cannot save them. I am powerless to this cause... alone. Because I know the hope that comes from Christ's sacrifice for us all on the cross, because I know freedom from the bonds of this world, because I know unity with God through the salvation from Christ, I am able to shed light. Not alone, by Christ. Through the power of Christ, I am able to share the hope I know of, the hope I am firm in, even right smack dab in the middle of the mess the city has created for itself. 

I am firm in this: "Though He brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." Lamentations 3: 32-33

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.

Though I will be ministering among a people separate from God, He waits by their side. He's ready at moments notice to swoop in and pour His heart out to them. Our God is not a god who forces Himself on the unwilling. He waits patiently, although at the edge of His seat. He's waiting for an opportunity. And that's where I come in. Through Him, I have an opportunity to give Him an opportunity. He trusts that I will use the strength He gives me, the knowledge from His Spirit inside of me, the hope from the salvation He's given to me through Christ to break down walls on those embittered hearts so that God is given an opportunity to pour out His love. 
And I trust, because of the tremendous growth I've experienced since coming to know God, my God, personally, that He will provide all things I will need to take on this task. When God calls, He doesn't leave you high and dry. He calls with a willingness to supply all you will need to do what He's asked of you.
In this, I am firm.


Though I am thousands of miles away, thousands of dollars of support away, with no real plans of how to even get out to New York or where I will live, I sit here with a broken heart. Broken but not without hope. Broken to the point of desperation but steadfast in the Lord's love. Broken with the risk of it never mending but determined to see His kingdom come. 
Exactly where He wants me.